Even the Strong will Break
by TheirEverAfter
Summary: Sometimes, when she thinks no one's looking, she cries. The tears fall from her eyes, slowly at first, but soon they become a heavy cascade that she can never wipe away fast enough. And it kills me. James POV. Post Hogwarts.
1. Sometimes, She Cries

I cannot (even if I'd love to) claim ownership of any of the characters. Hats off to J.K. Rowling for creating the best ship in the world!

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Sometimes, when she thinks no one's looking, she cries. The tears fall from her eyes, slowly at first, but soon they become a heavy cascade that she can never wipe away fast enough. And it kills me.

I never know what to do when Lily cries, because false comforts never satisfied her though all she wants is to get away from the bitter truth. Usually I just kiss away her tears and tell her stories from our glory days at Hogwarts, but lately, that hasn't been enough. Lately, we've been arguing quite a bit too. Not like the rows we used to have in the Hogwarts hallways, full of fire and passion, but sharp arguments filled with tears and quiet words; which is so much worse.

She worries about me, I know she does. I see it in the shadow of her eyes every time I leave on a mission and in their puffiness when I get home, and that tells me she's been crying. Though this is the first time I've ever caught her doing it.

"Lily," I whisper through the crack in the door, unable to stand the sound of her suppressed sobs anymore. "Lily, can I come in?"

"No," the muffled answer is cracked and broken, and it's all I can do not to barge in there and hold her tight in my arms. "I'm a mess."

"I don't care," I tell her fiercely, "You're still beautiful." Just please let me hold you.

"I look horrendous, and weren't you supposed to be out fighting Death Eaters like you do every other night?" her voice is bitter and my heart clenches painfully. I don't mean to always leave you. I don't mean to hurt you every night, make you stay up 'til dawn waiting with an anxious heart to see whether I make it home or not. All I want is to keep you safe. All I want is you to be happy like I promised you'd be. But I'm a bloody liar and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for not giving you the perfect life you deserve, for not being with you every night, when you need me most. Merlin, I just want to know you still love me after all I've failed to do.

"I love you, Lily," I'm desperate, I need to see her, need to make sure she'll be alright. Bloody hell, that's all I ever need; just knowing that she's alright. "Please let me in." There's a pause that stretches out for what feels like forever and in those moments, it felt like the air is being pressed around me and I can barely breathe. All the worries of the world crushed me in a tight embrace, making me bitter with self-loathing, knowing that I'm not the man everyone thinks of me as.

"Fine," the answer is soft, like a breath, almost undetectable, but I hear it and it feels like the world is being lifted from my shoulders and I can finally breathe again. I almost cry with relief as I push past the door and throw myself onto the bed beside her. She's right, she is a bit of a mess, her fiery red locks tangled and mussed around her face, her eyes puffy, her skin slightly blotchy and she's shaking like an autumn leaf in the wind. But she's beautiful. Her body and face speak volumes about sadness and grief in the most beautiful way; she's like a withering flower, delicate and oh-so-enchanting because of her fragility. I gather her up in my arms, letting her bury her face in my chest.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I whisper those two words like a chant, over and over again. As though the more often I say them, the more she'll be able to feel the weight of the words.

"I know," she breathes against my chest and something in my chest clenches tightly and for a moment, I'm without air because everything about her makes me breathless. But how can she forgive me for letting her down? I promised her the world, promised her the best time of her life if she married me and all I was able to give her was worry-filled nights and tears of grief. I'm a failure of a husband, a failure of a _man._

"I'm sorry, I can't give you the life you dreamed of, but I want to, Lily, I want to _so_ badly." I whisper the words fiercely against her hair, closing my eyes, as though that would be enough to stop the tears from making it past my eyelids.

"You have nothing to be sorry about," she tells me, her face still pressed against my chest and I can feel my shirt slowly becoming damp. "I chose this life, I chose _you_ and nothing can make me regret my choice because _you_ are all I _ever_ wanted."

"But you deserve so much more; you deserve a husband who will stay with you every night. You deserve a _man_. And I'm still the boy who went to Hogwarts with his best mates and fucked everything up." She lifts her head from my chest and looks up at me with those gorgeous green eyes and for a moment, I forget everything; the war, the pain, the grief and it's just her and me. But then I see the tears and reality comes crashing down again.

"_No."_ in this one word, she manages to sound both fierce and condescending. "Listen to me, James. _You_ are all I ever wanted since our first date and as long as I have you, everything will be alright. And yes, things could be better, but as long as we have each other, we can make do."

"I don't deserve someone as lovely as you." I choke out the words, because her unwavering faith in me is so much more than I deserve and all I want to do now is cry with her. My breath is uneven and I can't help it. I want to be strong for her, but this cruel war makes me break and want to sob as well.

"You deserve me and more," Lily's voice is soft against my ear and her chin rests on my shoulder. Her sobs have subsided to hiccups and a few stray tears now and then.

"No, I don't," my voice cracks. I bury my face in her shoulder, knowing that it's utterly unfair for her to have to comfort me when she's so broken and I should be supporting her, but I'm a failure of a man. "You are so incredibly wonderful and there is no explanation for why you're still with me when there are a million men who can take care of you better than I can." I force the words out between sobs and a stream of tears.

"But no one will love me like you can." Her arms are wrapped tight around me and I'm all but crushing her to me. "_No one_ can ever make me love them as much as I love you. Do you hear me James?" I nod because I'm not quite sure I can manage words right now. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve her faith in me when I have none in myself. She deserves so much more than what I give her. She deserves a better life than what I can offer.

"You, James, have always been the love of my life and nothing will change that. And don't you _dare_ say that I'm so much better than you because that is _not_ true. I sure as _hell_ don't deserve a man like you. I practically ruined you life." And now she's crying too, desperate sobs that make it hard for her to speak and she's clutching me as though she was drowning and I was the only thing keeping her afloat. "You could've lived without the worry, but I'm a – I'm a _mudblood." _

"No." I pry her away from me, forcing her to look at me, "You are a muggle-born. You are brilliant and kind and lovely and the brightest witch I have ever met. And you, you know I've loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you. I've wanted nothing but _you_ my entire life."

"And I love you James, I love you, I love you." She once again buries her fact in my chest, but her sobs have subsided and even I have managed to reign in my tears. I pull her down to the bed so we're both lying down.

"We'll make this work, won't we, Lily?" Even if we're in the middle of a war.

"Yes," she nods vehemently, and I almost smile because she's so wonderful. But we will make this work, even amidst the death and blood. We'll be alright because I have her and she has me and that's all we need.


	2. And They Were Magnificent

**A late night story, so don`t judge if it`s not that great. **

**By the way, I own none of the characters (though I wish I did) but the plot is all mine. **

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At times like this, she felt weightless. They'd fought those bloody _awful_ Death Eaters and won. And they had been _magnificent_. She could still remember it; the moment the last spell was cast and they stood there, the victors, she'd been on a high that came from every battle won, and it was addictive; it made them rush into battle without a second thought and if Lily thought about it, it was irrational and stupid. But right now, all she could think about was the adrenaline that still sang in her veins, the wild thrum of giddiness that hung thick in the air and the feel of James next to her. The bartender slid them another glass of firewiskey and Lily eagerly took it into her hands.

"I don't think I've ever seen you drink so much, Lily," James laughed, pulling her closer and dropping a kiss on the tip of her nose. Though they took up the space of two bar stools, they were so close that Lily was very nearly sitting on top of James. Though Lily adamantly refused to just sit on James because 'I am not a dog, I am not going to sit on him'.

"Well, there's a first for everything," she said, turning her head slightly, her hands already tilting the glass so that the burning liquid could fill her with body with warmth and make her head feel light. She set the glass down with a giggle; she really couldn't remember the last time she'd felt this _happy_. She glanced around, wanting to memorize every single detail of this night, wanting to have this feeling burned into her skin so that it would never leave. And James was looking at her, wanting to remember just how beautiful she looked in that moment, with her red hair mussed and tumbling past her shoulders, the top of her shirt slowly dipping downward, body loose and relaxed because of the firewiskey.

All around them, in the bar, everyone was celebrating the victory. People joked around and laughed, every one of them wanting this night to never end. Every one of them silently hoping that they could stay like this so that they would never have to rejoin the soul-crushing heartbreak that was war.

Sirius was past drunk, and it was true, no one could get wasted the way he did. Lily laughed as he attempted to stand on a table to do Merlin knows what, and he glared at her, but the look held no anger and was really more of a squint.

"What do you think you're doing Sirius?" she called out. He turned around slowly, eyebrows furrowed as he tried to keep his balance and not drop the bottle of firewiskey he clutched in his hand.

"I'm gon be getting' on tha table." He slurred back, as he slowly swayed back and forth, the alcohol making him shaky. Lily wondered if she should help him into a chair, he looked as though he would fall any second now. And she was right.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!?" Remus shouted, as Sirius finally toppled over and had desperately tried to regain his balance and composure by grabbing onto Remus for support.

"Yoo saved me, Moooony, tank yoo,"

"I'm actually very sorry that I saved your drunk arse."

"Moooony, yooo swear when yooo are drunk," Sirius said, as though that was an incredible scientific discovery. Lily couldn't help but giggle.

"We've been getting smashed with Hogsmeade firewiskey for two years and you haven't noticed?" Peter asked, and though he looked a tad pale and those were probably the first words he'd said all night, everyone laughed as though he'd always been a part of the conversation.

"Dose aren't even proper swears, Moooony," Sirius added, "Yoo should try saying fuck or wanker."

"I'll say those when I'm really good and smashed. Give me 30 minutes and you can check back on how vulgar my language is." For a moment Sirius looked confused, and everyone laughed again because that expression was priceless. James, chuckling, leaned over and took Lily's glass, downing the rest of the contents.

"Hey," she protested half-heartedly, pounding gently on his chest, "that was mine."

"You drank more than enough for one night." He told her.

"No I haven't," she protested, but he knew better. She would regret it tomorrow. And to keep her from ordering more firewiskey, James leaned in towards her, letting his eyes slide shut. And instinctively, she closed her eyes too, tilting her head up. And their lips met, not for the first time that night. But while the other kisses had been giddy and wild and fiery, this one was slow and lingering, and tasted of firewiskey. A kiss to acknowledge that though they won the battle, they had still fought and that in itself should be a tragedy.

"You stole my drink," she breathed when she finally pulled away, in desperate need of air.

"You'll thank me tomorrow." He whispered back, and though he was still breathless, he leaned in to capture her lips again. And this time, the kiss was slow and deep and reminded them of how much they loved the taste of each other. And how, soon, just kissing wasn't going to be enough.

A second later, they'd vanished with a loud _crack._ For a brief moment, it was deathly quiet in the bar.

"Padfoot, you wanker! Five galleons says that they're shagging right now."


End file.
